In a few days I will be wearing my hospital gown and desperately trying to make it as fashionable as possible---which of course I will discover after 3 attempts, there is only 1 way to wear a hospital gown and "fashionable", "stylish", or "chic" are not words you would use to describe it. They should just call it hospital cover-up or hospital apron, somehow GOWN is just too fabulous of a word to be sitting next to HOSPITAL. Like "Ball Gown" (ooohhh!) or "Evening Gown" (wooow) sabay---hospital gown (anyare sa yo?!).
I'm checking in on Monday--notice that I used the term "checking in" instead of "being admitted" just so I can convince myself that I'm just going to a hotel! That's right, I'm checking into my suite with white walls, girls in white dresses and "room service" served in a gray tray with compartments. And my surgery will be on Tuesday at 8AM.
Ok. I'm nervous. I've been nervous, scared, worried, anxious for weeks now ever since I got the doctor's diagnosis. I've never been hospitalized my entire life. NEVER. I was born in a hospital and that's about it, as far as I'm concerned. So this will be my first experience as an in-patient. I don't want to go into specifics but just to give you an idea, I'm having a very sensitive procedure done that involves my ovaries. I have an uninvited guest, an informal settler, someone who should not be there but somehow found his way in...and my bouncers (doctors) need to get this dude out of my club! Didn't you see the sign buddy, NO LOSERS ALLOWED! Alis!! hehehe!:)
As a woman who loves kids and who would like to to have kids of her own someday, this is more than just a "procedure", this is really a crossroad in my life (and also the life of my husband). I'm ashamed to admit it but I've turned into one of those "pray harder when your life gets harder" kind of people. Brought about by my human frailty and my own weakness in understanding how God works, my prayers have gone from 1)DESPERATE PLEADING: "Please Loooooordddddd....don't do this to meeee...di ko kaya..." to 2)BARGAINING: "Lord, if you heal me I promise not to eat chocolates anymore----and I won't murder cockroaches in broad daylight anymore. I don't know why you created them, but sige na...di na ako papatay ng ipis!!!!" to 3)WHY ME LORDing: "Why me Lord?!?! WHY?!?!!? I'm such a nice person..well at least 35% of the time..BUT STILL?! Why me!?!?!?". I still catch myself praying like 1,2 and 3 especially when I'm feeling really down, but lately, thanks to the help of my prayer partner Patrick, I've been TRYING my best to PRAY with a listening heart. TRYING is the operative word, needs improvement pa ito. Sometimes we pray to ASK for something we feel is BEST for us and no matter how good/noble/righteous those intentions are, hindi natin masasabi talaga kung ano ang "BEST" ng Panginoon para sa atin.
I always find myself going back to Thessalonians 5:18, which says "In Everyting, GIVE THANKS for this is God's will for you." Hayyy, this verse sometimes feels like an oxymoron when you're faced with something so REAL and DIFFICULT. But that's what it says, we need to thank GOD no matter what. I am reminded of that time Patrick and I ate in this crappy restaurant and he ordered Tuna Sisig. When the waitress served him, it looked like a pile of gunk---cat food would actually look much more appetizing. So Pat and I were laughing hysterically (but quietly so as not to offend the waitress) so pigil na pigil yung tawa namin tapos we bowed our heads and Pat goes "Lord...*controlled laughter*...THANK YOU????" hehehehe! So as difficult as this may be, I am choosing the more positive route! Here are 5 Things to Be Grateful for :)
#5 NEW PAJAMAS
Patrick gave me an allowance to go "nice pantulog" shopping. If you recall my pantulog descriptions in the past, let's just say they are...presko (sa dami ng butas???)..and not exactly for public viewing. So I was able to convince Pat to give me a bit of money so I can buy decent looking pajamas for me to wear during recovery! Sabi ko baka may biglang bumisita sa kin, kakahiya naman kung butas-butas na tshirt yung suot ko diba?!?! HAHAHA! I got home from SM and had a pantulog fashion show. Pat kept laughing at one particular nighty that had pink hearts all over it---mukha daw akong gradeschool! HELLO!! HEARTS!! VALENTINES!?!? Kailangan nasa theme ako noh?!!??!
#4 EARLY DETECTION
I'd like to thank my circle of mommy friends headed by Cecil, Stella and Sheila for encouraging me to have myself checked by an OB GYNE. I hate having check ups, I'm lazy like that. I had no symptoms whatsoever prior to my check up, I just went to the doctor on a random weekday afternoon and wow, all our big plans for the year changed overnight after just one ultrasound! We went to 3 different doctors, all with the same findings. It was sad ticking off a lot of things on our list and having to pull out our savings and allot it for the medical bills. BUT, I am grateful that we found out EARLY about this condition and that we were able to find a SOLUTION for it right away! My doc has been very reassuring and comforting, it seems to be something she's dealt with several times before so I feel confident that I'm in good hands. According to her I will be back to normal self in a few weeks if my body cooperates with me :)
#3 PEOPLE GET TO FUSS OVER ME (and by people, I mean Patrick.)
Not that I like being sick, but I DO LOVE the undivided attention I've been getting from my husband lately. I like poking him in the middle of the night "Paaaaat....can you get me a bowl of ice cream downstairs please...." and when he hesitates I just pull out the "I'm going through a very rough time" card and even if he knows it's all drama, he just indulges me because it amuses him! Hehehe! I'm so grateful for my husband's heart to serve :)
I remember when I was in high school, I was a nerd (but not the losery nerd type ha!!! I was the nerd who thought she wasn't a losery nerd but a cool nerd...oh wait, did I just self contradict myself??! Yep.) and I would envy my jock classmates who would get injured because everyone would fuss over them. It was soooooo cool back then to have an arm cast and walking with crutches made you 10x hotter for some reason because it made you a LEGIT athlete because you had a sports injury to prove it! Gusto ko tuloy ma-injure din para lang sikat ako!!! Of course now I do realize that it was such a stupid juvenile fantasy of mine. Now that I am in this "not so ideal situation" I realize how important it is to STAY HEALTHY and do all you possibly can to be in tip top shape!!!
#2 I GET TO CELEBRATE VALENTINES DAY IN A HOSPITAL BED!!!
Woo. Pee. Doo. How. Exciting. Really. I am so happy. This is not a frown. It's a smile that just happens to be upside down. Tears? These are tears of joy. OKKKKAAAAYYYYY. I am totally and absolutely bummed about this!!!! I still need to figure this one out---but hey, it says we NEED TO GIVE THANKS IN EVERYTHING. EVERY. THING. So even if I don't understand why God would want me confined in a hospital on one of my favorite occasions ever----eating hospital jello instead of a fat juicy steak in a fine dining restaurant---I know there's a reason for all this and I just have to trust HIM :)
#1 I WILL BE ABLE TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I'M NOT A WEAKAZOID AFTER ALL
Just reading about the surgery and the things to expect has left me feeling weak in the knees, queasy and terrified of all the 10,000 what ifs. Pat always reminds me to stop worrying, but it's become a hobby for me!!! hehehe! It's like Facebooking, I can't STOP myself from reading those annoying FB statuses from those people I've been dying to delete from my friends list...and I can't NOT worry.
But after talking to my friends who have gone through things that are 10X worse than what I'm about to go through, napapahiya ako! Here I am whining like a little kerokeropi about something that is completely manageable and under control. When I think about it, I should be thankful that ito lang ang problema ko---and that it could've been much worse but God was faithful in protecting me from greater harm. Here's a perfect opportunity for me to witness God's amazing power on my body first hand---I will be a living testament of it! So I gotta think positive, be proactive and challenge myself to overcome all my fears. Kaya ko 'to!!!!!
So there, I hope to add to this list in the coming days. I've received a lot of love letters from you guys, all filled with love and genuine concern. I do appreciate each and every one of those letters and I'm also so glad that you've been sensitive enough not to pry too much :) As much as I want to open up to you guys (in hopes of inspiring those who also may be going through a rough time now), I would like to keep some things private as it may take time for me and Patrick to process all of this :) But thank you for including us in your prayers :)