A Girl’s Guide to Surviving a Buffet

So I stumbled across this site and discovered that I’m M2N2= MINDLESS MUNCHER+NIGHT TIME NIBBLER. Sounds like two villains fighting against the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “And the Mindless Muncher wreaks havoc in the city, munching on innocent women and children left and right!!! Then out from the shadows comes the Night Time Nibbler, nibbling on lamp posts, stoplights, and anything that casts light upon the dark and eerie night!” Hahahahaha!:) Anyway, back to my sane self…this chart actually best describes our eating personalities. What type of eater are you???

Since I’m a mindless muncher, you can imagine how buffets can be such a test of my mettle. (I love the word mettle! It just rolls off the tongue so well! Try saying it 10 times: mettle, mettle, mettle, mettle…) When they used the word “Mindless”, they couldn’t have been more apt!  Mindless is exactly what happens to me when I’m at a buffet. I get overwhelmed by the different colors, the smells, heck, even the “usok usok from the palayok” (hahaha, ang arte!) sends me into a sensory frenzy! I always end up over-eating and over-indulging, feeling blehblah and vowing to never eat there again. Then after a month, andun na naman ako! Hahaha! So after years of intense struggle, through many buffet battles…I have finally come up with my ULTIMATE BUFFET SURVIVAL GUIDE! 

1. Look pretty for your buffet date.
     Just because you’re going to pig out, doesn’t mean you have to look like a pig. You could at least look like a pretty pig. Put some blush-on, maybe a little mascara. A true lady knows how to look good even while eating 🙂 At least kahit isipin ng date mo “Ano ba yan, ang takaw-takaw naman niya..” with one killer kindat from you, pwede niyang sabihin “…Buti nalang maganda siya!” O diba, may pambawi agad! So make the extra effort! You should also have full disclosure about your eating habits with your date. Honesty is the best policy. And Liars go to hell. Hahahaha, labo. So if you want to eat a lot, be open about it! Tell your date beforehand so he doesn’t get shocked by your gluttonous ways! I always give my boyfriend “food preps” to let him know what I’m in the mood for and how much I intend to consume but I have to admit, I still surprise him with my intake from time to time..lalo na sa sweets, patay!:(

2. Wear stretchy clothes
Wear something that you can “expand” gracefully in during your buffet. But please, DO NOT, I repeat..do not wear your batik daster!!! It will never ever be cool in this year and in the years to come. That batik daster should remain at home, locked in a vault with an impossible security code..in the basement..with a tiger guarding it. I like wearing loose flowy tops and leggings or maxi dresses when I know I’m going to eat a lot. You have to be kind to your tummy and give her room to grow! Be free, tiyan, be free!!! 🙂 Unless you want to just keep the button of your jeans open..hmm..that could work. Also, it’s good to wear a sling bag..there are a lot of people who lose their things while at a buffet (restaurants are perfect for pickpockets who prey on those eggheads that are easily distracted by all the food) so it’s best to keep your valuables close to you at all times.

3. Eat a heavy brunch.
Why brunch? Because if you eat a heavy breakfast and a heavy lunch, you’ll lose your vigor for the buffet at night. Go for a heavy brunch instead that’s enough to satisfy you for the rest of the day but will make you hungry by 5pm! Another tip, try to make it to the restaurant early! I always head to the buffet as soon as it opens, just to make sure that the food’s still hot and fresh, newly cooked and still nicely presented.

4. Survey the area.

Prepare yourself for the battle ahead. Strategize! I like taking a little tour around the whole buffet before getting a plate. It’s nice to just get familiar with the different stations and plot out your game plan!

5. Say goodbye to the WEAKEST LINKS
Weakest Links are the things on the buffet table that only cause you to bloat..making you fuller! Sayang ang buffet!!! Iced tea, fruit shakes, and other sugar heavy drinks are weakest links! Just go for the usual house water, libre pa! It’s also good to ask for a cup of hot water with lemon, this will help you digest much faster. The kick of lemon will also wash your palette in between plates, reviving your tastebuds and making them ready for another round! And the weakest link family: Cheap Carbs! Rice, Noodles, Bread, Corn, Muffins. Sure, they all taste good and I love these carbs…but these are instant stomach fillers! Don’t waste your tummy space on these treats because it’ll make you feel heavy instantly, cutting your buffet extravaganza shorter than expected. Besides you can always have your extra rice at home! So keep your carbs in moderation.

6. Take your TIME.
First in, last out. Come to the buffet early and be one of the last ones to leave..wait til the waiter literally kicks you out. Savor each bite, enjoy each dish. Allow the food to digest properly before moving on to the next station. Bring a date or dine with friends, it’s going to look creepy consuming all that food all by your lonesome self. Hahaha. Have a good chit chat while eating. That’s why it’s important to be with someone/ people you really like to talk to, people who are worth the company. Conversations during mealtime are sometimes the most memorable ones!
7. Don’t lose your FOCUS! 
So you spent 600-2,000 pesos just for this big buffet. What do you do now? It’s tempting to go for Quantity and just stuff your face til you hurl but I say, go for Quality!:) Mga kabataan, ang buffet ay parang buhay lang…you have all these choices laid right in front of you, just waiting for you. Do you get greedy and take more than you can handle in one hurrah OR do you pace yourself, explore your options, weigh the pros and cons, try a little of this and a little of that? See, there’s a philosophical twist to all this! So FOCUS, maintain your composure. Eat GOOD FOOD, be a little bit more discriminating. What I do is I like to sort of compute in my head how much each thing costs just to somehow justify the buffet charge. I always like to raid the cheese table and drizzle lots and lots of truffle honey..dahil alam kong on an average day, it would just be too expensive for me to get some decent manchego or camembert with truffle oil!  So pile on the expensive stuff, the foie gras, the roast beef, the steaks!! Sulitin ang bayad!

8. Organize your plate and your palette 
Ok, this step is for the OC like me. This may sound a bit too strict for the rest of you. But I love eating with a theme. Japanese theme, Appetizers theme, Pasta and Pizza theme, and so on. Patrick on the other hand, was the complete opposite..walang theme yung plato nya! He had sukiyaki, fried rice, salami, bread, dilis, kropek and roast beef all crammed together in one plate. If you’re in a birthday party, I might just forgive you. It’s understandable to put the hotdog with marshmallows, pancit, buko pandan, spaghetti, and kaldereta all in one plate..may theme naman sila eh, “Potluck”. Hahaha. But when you’re buffet-ing like a veteran eater (like ahem,ahem, someone I know..itago nalang natin siya sa pangalang “Patricia”) you should segregate and compartmentalize your food just so you’re able to enjoy each station better. Ok, i just realized that this seems a bit too much to impose..so, scrap this tip! It’s a buffet, you paid for it, just go wild!!! Mix the kropek with the roast beef, it’s a free country! hahahaha 🙂

9. Save Room for Dessert
Alam niyo ang buffet, ay parang relationship…there’s a start and then there’s an end. And when it ends, kailangan ng closure.Tipong, it was good while it lasted but it just had to come to an end.  Parang dessert, matamis na ending! I’m loving all these nonsensical analogies! hahahahaha! 🙂 I love, love the desserts station. From chocolate fountains to sapin-sapin, from ice cream sundaes to fruity crepes…I could eat desserts all day long! Well, I’ve actually done that, many times. Not very proud of that though.
10. Don’t overeat and drive
After a big buffet, beware…you might suffer from Food Coma. This state of busogness makes you an unfit driver. I would advice you to assign someone to become your designated driver before entering the restaurant, but who are we kidding?? You know that he’s probably gonna eat twice as much as you! I once had a gold fish, he was a nice and friendly gold fish. Bibong bibo, masigla at masaya. Then my cousin decided to throw a handful of fish flakes into the tank, a forced buffet for my little fishy friend. The next day, I found my darling Goldie…floating, belly up!!!! It was a sad, sad day. True Story. So after eating, take a walk..let the food trickle done a bit for a good 30 minutes or so before driving! Trust me, you wouldn’t want to be on the front page looking like this…

9 Responses to A Girl’s Guide to Surviving a Buffet

  1. Hahaha! #10 is funn-eh! But yeah, you can never really go wrong with buffets, lalo na if it’s Sofitel’s SPIRAL. 🙂 But seriously, I love this post (as always!) I’m really a big fan of yours, Patty!!! Your posts are really inspirational and entertaining that’s why your blog is one of my must-visit sites EVERYDAY. Keep it up!

  2. Ouch,there’s a term pala for someone like me… mindless muncher…aarrggghhhh! But I like this post a lot.
    I became your fan ever since i got curious bout what my daughter was watching. From then on I always visit your blog site.

  3. You really are one of the best bloggers out there, you know. Felt like sitting in a classroom while teacher patty teaches Buffet survival. Parang cross-interaction teaching (derived from cross media marketing-just made that up! hehe!)

    And, given the fact that Patrick Filart eats like he was invited in a fiesta, I still adore him!!!

    Nagbabakasakali parin na malay mo, may kapatid siya sa labas! (crosses fingers!)

  4. Oh, the last photo!!! =)) So cool, Patty! This indeed is a girl’s guide. I really like and practice these things especially the clothing, dessert, and pacing guidelines. It’s a must and are so real!

  5. Hahaha naalala ko yung episode in Will & Grace where Grace was teaching her soon to be husband Leo how to work the buffet. They put the cheapest food in front so by the time you get to the end of the buffet table you have no more room for the pricey meal

  6. Ms Patty,

    Bow down! This post is the best ever. I am a big buffet lover also. Actually a ‘suki’ already. Have you tried Something Fishy or Sambukojin. Really cheap for a buffet but really good… 🙂