Beautiful But Not Always Easy


Yesterday, a miracle happened. Theo extended his sleep by an extra hour which in newborn talk is really like hitting the jackpot! We’ve been nursing at every hour, on the dot, LITERALLY so to have a 2 hour stretch was pure GOLD. So I quickly opened my laptop (which has been neglected for so many days) and started on a blog entry! The words just came gushing like the let down of milk while nursing and I was so thrilled to be able to write again—to put all my thoughts into actual words, to form sentences and string them into paragraphs! I didn’t care if the grammar was correct, I didn’t even bother to do a spell check. Just clicking on the keyboard was reward enough! Oh what joy to have some free time to blog after nearly 4 weeks!!! And halfway between my 7th paragraph, I heard my little one calling out to me again and I knew I was back to mommy-duty. I was still so grateful to have 7 paragraphs though and said “Thank you Theo for giving Mama a few minutes to write!”. So he latched, we nursed and like my usual juggling act—I pushed my laptop closer to me with my foot (yes, I was desperate!) and so I tried to wiggle my left pinky to click SAVE—and I thought I did, but, but, but instead it deleted THE WHOLE PAGE!!!!!!! Hay, a whole blog entry gone within seconds. All those emotions and reflections, baboosh!!! Before I could even attempt to sulk over it, I just looked at my son sucking away and just laughed. Nanay na talaga ako! It hit me, I no longer own my life. I no longer have control over things—this little mister is now the master of everything! Hahaha 🙂 🙂 So with my foot, I closed my laptop and just enjoyed the next 30 minutes of our feed. Sure, it felt like a loss but then again, I was just happy to be where I was glued to my little munchkin.

*Click SAVE DRAFT* Okay, so now that the first paragraph is saved, I think it would be safe for me to continue with this post. Again, I’m squeezing in this blog entry in between diaper changes, nursing, cleaning the house, etc. so if it seems discombobulated, it really is!!! Sorry nalang! HAHAHA! I will have to write this in installments with whatever 5-10-12 minute break I’ll be able to afford myself.

In a few days, our son will turn a month old. I don’t know if I can say I’ve graduated from the newborn grind just yet because I still feel like I’m right in the middle of the hurricane and taking it not only day by day, but more like hour by hour. Each day has a new trial for me to bear yet it also presents a new triumph to declare. There are good days then there are days that I just wish would end—but on all days, one thing remains constant: MY LOVE FOR THEO just keeps growing and growing. And no matter how my day looks, I’m always thankful that God made me the mother to this precious boy :)Napaka-swerte ko naman!

I haven’t slept since July 5 (the day he was born!) and I’m not even exaggerating here. My eyebags are now made of genuine leather–parang seiko wallet lang, it’s that tough! Hahaha! The longest stretch I’ve had was 2.5 hours and that to me already felt like the best sleep ever! I’ve been living off 20 minute naps and just working on auto-pilot throughout the day. Same goes for the husband who helps me throughout the night, he barely sleeps and has to report to work in the morning so I can imagine it must be even harder for him to function properly. But we’re managing and we’re doing our best.. I don’t know if our best is good enough, but it’s what has gotten us this far 🙂 Hahaha!

The one thing I completely underestimated was how difficult breastfeeding would be. Ay caramba! I was naive to think that it would only mean sleepless nights and round the clock nursing, which at most would cause fatigue or stress. I thought it would just mean a sacrifice on my part because it would entail a change of lifestyle, that I would be feeding on demand and that things would be put on hold because of it. Akala ko it was just a matter of “going through it” and being ready for the change. All those things are still attached to my decision to breastfeed but what I didn’t prepare my heart and body for was THE ACTUAL PAIN I would have to go through. I was so focused on being on top of the adjustment and the possible inconveniences this whole process would bring—I didn’t realize that it would actually be the most PAINFUL thing I would ever have to go through in my life.

A lot of women are so blessed to have stress-free breastfeeding journeys— with perfect latches, perfectly shaped nipples that perfectly fit their perfectly sized baby’s mouths! It’s almost like a well-choreographed dance between mother and child where everything seems so in-sync and all natural. Oh how I wish I could be a part of this lucky group!!! Then there are some who need to get their bearings first for a few days. It feels awkward and uncomfortable at the start but with practice and perseverance, it becomes better and in no time the training wheels are off and they’re biking merrily around the village. Then there’s ME. The not-so-lucky ME. The past 4 weeks have been the hardest and most difficult weeks of my entire 32 years of existence— but at the same time the happiest!! I find it so weird saying could you be in so much pain but finding joy in it too? So odd right?!? I guess only a mommy could understand where I’m coming from. Hahaha!

I’ve ticked off every possible ailment associated with breastfeeding, I could actually be one of those girls who gives a testimonial for EVERY possible problem–from severe engorgement and waking up with cement blocks for boobs, edema and swelling of areola, redness, sore and sensitive nipples, fever, chills, milk blebs, blisters, bleeding and wounded nipples, MASTITIS, plugged ducts, lahat naaaaa!!!! Pinakyaw ko na silang lahat. On top of all this, I was also recovering from my CS operation, sleep deprived with low resistance. I read all the books, all the articles, I tried several techniques, enlisted the help of doctors and lactation consultants. My sweetheart is a good sucker and I really believe that if my boobies were physically “fit” and didn’t have all these “defects” his latch would be good too. We both tried so hard to make it work and everyday, I feel my son is rallying me to keep trying! If anything, this whole process has humbled me and has taught me to understand that God’s story for me is so far from my own expectations.

I would cry out to God during my meltdowns and ask numerous “WHY LORD’s”. I think I haven’t prayed this much in years–quota levels na talaga! The pain of feeding was so unbearable, my toes would curl and big, fat tear drops would roll down my cheeks each and every time I would have to nurse Theo. The physical PAIN was definitely robbing me of the joy of having a newborn. I was weak, miserable and distraught. I felt insecure for being anatomically-challenged, for having body parts that stood as limitations I just couldn’t work around no matter how hard I tried. It was no longer a matter of will power or dedication, it was no longer as simplistic as just “trying harder”..believe me TRYING HARD is all I’ve been doing this past month. I was really hitting roadblock after roadblock and realizing that these physical limitations were all too real. My husband would hug me and cry along with me as I nursed in pain and I questioned whether or not this was the kind of mother I would want to be for my son.

In my darkest hours, I took the time to reflect on MY HEART and the intention behind my pressing on–was it to prove myself to the world, was it because I succumbed to the pressures/expectations of everyone else, was it a pride issue? When I completely surrendered myself to God’s will and allowed myself to be completely vulnerable—that’s when I was bathed in clarity. I was no longer deciding based on the standards of society, I was walking based on what I felt God wanted for me and Theo. Today I’ve decided to continue on my breastfeeding journey because that’s where I feel I need to go— but I’ll be first to tell you that’s just for today, who knows what will happen tomorrow or the day after. All I know is that I will face each day head on, trust that the Lord will enable me to make a decision for Theo with wisdom and discernment and that I’ll have to stand firm on what I choose to do for me and my son. So for those who have gone through the same struggles, whether you decide to press on or if you feel like shifting gears is for you–I completely support you. It’s important for moms to be HAPPY and HEALTHY so they can properly care for their little ones. It would be a shame to be pushing yourself against a brick wall and living a life of frustration and resentment just to prove a point. It’s also healthy to know when it’s time to accept your limitations and find a more positive route–maybe it won’t be the ideal set up, but with God’s help, it’ll be the best one for you and the baby!

What I’ve learned through this whole experience is that EACH mom is unique and EACH baby is special—and that we can’t just have one box for each mom/child to squeeze into. We come in different shapes, sizes, backgrounds, lifestyles, belief systems, etc and so there’s NO ONE PEG for all. Whether you choose to direct feed, exclusively pump, use a bottle, cup, syringe, or mix-feed—what matters is THE HEART of the mother, that her intentions to feed and nourish her child are pure and genuine. And it’s up to us to make sure that these mothers feel respected and valued regardless of their decisions. I believe that these decisions are never done in haste and that each mom (and dad too!) have exhausted all their options and invested hours of careful thought before choosing their path, so it’s something we should also respect. Instead of being PRO-this and ANTI-that, we should just be PRO-MOM, period. Being a mom in itself is hard enough, so instead of wasting hours taking sides and pointing fingers—we can use those valuable hours to encourage, equip and empower 🙂 🙂

To all my girlfriends who sent messages of LOVE, CARE AND EMPATHY as I struggled through all this– THANK YOU. Thank you for being good listeners, for giving me the space to learn and to figure out MY OWN path, for never judging/criticizing me, and most importantly for encouraging me to focus on JESUS and to claim his promises for me and THEO! This is what I wish for all mothers out there, that they would be showered with kind and soothing words that will give them the validation that they need at their lowest of lows.

To all my blog readers/Instagram friends who cheered me on with “You’re doing great!” and “I’m praying for you” instead of listing down tips, instructions, suggestions that would only add to the clutter in my head. Hehehe! Believe me, the last thing you need as a tired and struggling new mom is some stranger telling you what to do and how to do it. I’ve become allergic to know-it-alls and people who say “You should try this because I did this…” or “Don’t do that because…” Tsktsk!!! If you leave a comment like that, please, please don’t expect a reply from me. I’ve got 99 problems each day and no more energy for this. Hehe! I’m just lucky though that majority of my readers are all kind hearted, I appreciate people who leave comments that are very considerate of my feelings 🙂 I know being a public figure/blogger makes me vulnerable to all this and I should just “suck it up” but I’m also just an average girl going through a really, really difficult season–so I do appreciate it when people are more sensitive and polite when it comes to social media 🙂 So thank YOU. 🙂

To my husband and teammate Patrick, thank you for being PRESENT, both physically, emotionally and spiritually. For going through the big and small waves along with me, for not just being a bystander but for taking on the role as an active partner and participant. And thank you for still going through the daily work grind and never making me feel a tinge of resentment, for working hard to provide for our family while running on 2 hours of sleep and still being there to care and play with Theo when you come home. Thank you for always saying I’m beautiful even if I smell like milk and panis na laway and if I haven’t combed my hair and I still have your ratty T-shirt on. To all the loving husbands out there, MABUHAY kayo!!!

To my own mother, Leah, I just want to thank you for teaching me how to find my own identity as a mother. As a new mom, it’s easy to drown in all the NOISE—-with all the unsolicited advice, societal pressures, tips from this forum, instructions from this manual, conflicting belief systems, etc. Clueless and desperate, I tried to absorb everything and anything all at once and before I knew it, I felt completely overwhelmed and even more LOST because of the information overload. My mom firmly challenged me to find MY OWN path as a mother instead of developing a chop-seuy’d version of all the mumbo jumbo I’ve been exposed to. She told me it’s good to be well-informed and properly equipped, but at the end of the day I would have to learn to simplify my approach and be brave enough to stand by my OWN brand of motherhood. She told me to listen to my own heart and be guided by my own intuition—TOUGHEN UP and FOCUS on the well-being of my son. Instead of relying on external factors to guide my steps, I had to start looking inward and trust that the Lord has equipped me internally to be the best mom to Theo. That my heart, my mind, my body—all these were created especially for Theo! That of all the millions of women out there, God chose me to be the steward for this wonderful boy and that I should trust that God never makes mistakes 🙂 🙂

Progress has been very slooooooow, like snail racing slow. And the busy-go-go-go person in me gets quite impatient with the pace I am now forced to endure (I need to pray about this! Again so humbling!). But what I’ve learned is that PROGRESS is still Progress, slow or fast, it still is movement towards a positive direction and for that I should be grateful. This is going to sound a bit weird, but each time I nurse and start feeling the pain and discomfort..I close my eyes to clear my thoughts and ask God to show me something GOOD to focus on, then I open my eyes again and I look at Theo’s chubby cheeks happily sucking. His chubbiness becomes the most obvious indicator that yes, my son is filling up and getting the nourishment he needs!!! And just like that, kahit masakit at nakakapagod, I give myself a high five for a job well done 🙂 It’s validation that I’m not entirely palpak, hehe, that I may not know what I’m doing but somehow God is working FOR US and that he’s on our side.

Wow, I didn’t realize this post would be this long. MAJOR HUGOT levels because it’s all too fresh,all too real for me now. I am sorry for scaring all the moms to be out there, that wasn’t my intention!!! EEP! I do pray for an easier and more comfortable experience for you all 🙂 🙂 I just wanted to put all these thoughts and feelings into words because I know that these hardships are also part of my living out God’s faithfulness and I will look back at this blog entry in a month (hehehe, asa pa!) or maybe in a year and celebrate his goodness over my struggles! Hayyyy, BUTI NALANG TALAGA ANG CUTE CUTE CUTE ng ANAK KO!!!!!  Kahit yung poops nya CUTE! Hahaha! Theo, my love, my gift from above, you are SO WORTH IT!!! It is an honor to serve and care for you and I will always thank the Lord for giving me this opportunity! 🙂 🙂 It may not be that easy, it may not be ideal—but in all honesty, THIS right here is A DREAM COME TRUE!

64 Responses to Beautiful But Not Always Easy

  1. A tear fell after reading this. I feel your pain.I, myself have a 4 month old daughter and I experienced majority of what you had. Emergency CS, mastitis, bleeding and sore nips. I adore your courage to continue b’feeding. I gave up at the second week. We mixed feed because the pain is becoming unbearable each day. Now that she is already 4 months old, I regret of not having her exclusively breastfed even for a month. I guess each day will be a struggle for new moms like us but as you mentioned, if you rest your faith in Him, you’ll be able to pass through this bittersweet phase. I’m confident that once Theo hits the 3rd month, you’ll miss the joy during those agonizing days! Don’t forget to share his milestones! Looking forward to your future articles!! Congrats again and enjoy the journey!

  2. Very well said. I’ve gone through the same experience 10 months ago.. At that time there was no choice but to mix feed. In a supermarket when I had to feed my baby, I got comments from strangers saying “ay… Formula” 🙁 If only they knew what I’ve been going through. Agree that we all just be pro Mom. And yes, you’re doing a great job! Admire your patience and determination 🙂

  3. Hi Ms. Patty! Being a new mom too, feel na feel kita! And yes, prayers are very powerful during our journey, quota talaga sa dasal! I didnt cry when I saw my baby pero when a nun came to visit our room, tears were overflowing! Babies are such a blessing. We all know that this journey wont be easy but we will give all for our babies. Let’s do this mommy Pat! We can all do this! All is well!

  4. this is so sweet patty! i was in tears kahit na hindi naman ako nakakarelate (being a newlywed and all). hehe. your love for God, your husband, and your adorable son is very evident on this post. i’ve followed you since your engagement and seeing you as a new mom makes my heart so happy. you are amazing in what you do! just continue pressing on. 🙂 we are all cheering for you! looking forward to see more theo (love his name by the way- i may be biased since im the female version. hehe) on your future posts. take care momma! 🙂

  5. I love the way you write… it’s so REAL (haha). Nakakamiss to read your blog entries. Congratulations again!! Your baby is so cuuuute and you and your husband are definitely doing a great job! Praying for you 🙂

  6. I could’ve written this post 6 months ago. I feel you, Mom! But you know what, it’s true what your Mom said—no amount of written knowledge could ever prepare you for motherhood. It’s all about discovering all the things that make you and your little one unique, and responding accordingly. Good luck!

  7. This made me cry:) It’s like reading my own story. Just gave birth last July 10 and it really is a struggle.

    Thabk you for inspiring me.

    Firgive my typo, I’m using one hand to type coz baby’s in the other 🙂

  8. I feel you ms patty ! Been thru those sleepless nights, etc …I didn’t know, ang Hirap pala mag breastfeed and even questioned, ” bakit mga ate ko, effortless, and daming milk, why sa akin, Ganito?” Not only did I curl my legs but with matching sigaw and Iyak pa when I BF. I super got so stressed with the people around me telling me what to do. And even want to tell them as well, ” wag Na kayo dumalaw!” Ha!Ha! My baby even lost weight because I’m not producing much. Then , that prompted me to mix-feed kahit Labag sa kalooban ko mag baby formula. Ay naku!

    Well kapalit naman ng struggle na yun e Hindi mapantayang happiness …

  9. This post made me cry buckets! I am also a new mom and going through the same difficulties in breastfeeding (though yours sounds more intense), and like you this also hit me by surprise as I initially thought it will all be easy and almost automatic. It definitely helps knowing there are others who go through the same exerience as you are, sometimes kasi feeling mo nag-iisa ka at super kawawa (hehe). Thank you for this post and for cheering us on. I fervently pray that breastfeeding will go smoothly for us in time. 🙂

  10. You’re a great mom, Patty. I really admire you and your outlook in life. Please continue being an inspiration to us.

  11. Ate Patty you’re doing such a beautiful job with Theo!:) your post reminded me of something A pedia told me before: breastfeeding benefits mom and baby in a way that it releases happy substances/hormones that make the baby seem “high”/takes away their discomfort (explains their lasing face after feeds hehe!) and for the mom, the same kind of hormones that accompany “kilig” feelings -the more you feed, the more you fall in love with your baby regardless the pain.❤️ It’s science but I think God really knows that breastfeeding would be difficult so He designed it that way. Hope we’ll get to meet your little man soon!

  12. Sus kaya mo yan! Ikaw pa! I exactly went through what you did at the start. Honestly the moment I came home from the hospital after breast feeding for 3days in the hospital postCS I’ve already decided to exclusively pump. Hindi ko kinaya ang pain from my wounded nipples. Deep in my heart I know that I’m capable to breast feed though indirectly. The first month I mixed feed cos I wasn’t producing enough, the second month adequate na ang milk supply ko- meaning I have ONE bottle ready everytime she needs (masaya na ko nun! Hehe) by the third month, when I had to return to work, I have built a milk stash ample enough for 15hrs that were apart. Yes my hours are crazy long. And now it’s been 6mos and can’t be grateful enough to God for HIS faithfulness. I admire you for pressing on. Wish I had the same courage as I have now with my first child. I only pressed on now with my second and feel guilty about it from time to time. I had them both via cs thus I can imagine the overwhelming feeling you’re going through. Pero kaya mo yan! Youre smart and never alone with God! You’ll figure it out what would work for you and your family! You’re in my prayers

  13. I’ve been following you for quite sometime and you always remind me to thank God rather than complain. Hindi ka nag iisa. I have the same sentiments when I gave birth to my daughter. Dont worry, this too shall pass. When my daughter turned 7 weeks things got better. You are doing great and Theo is beyond grateful for it. They say babies change so fast. In time, we’ll just laugh about all those first time mommy bloopers! 😘. Fist bump!

  14. Do you know that you’ve hit the publish button on the first day of breastfeeding awareness month? So timely. And your post is well-written because it is so raw and so real.

    Feel better soon, Patty. When the going gets tougher, remember that you and your love for Theo is the best for him. God chose you to be the perfect mother for Theo and He never makes mistakes.

    God bless us all on our Mommyhood journey!

  15. Hi Ms. Patty!

    I praise God for your life. Thank you for this post. I found myself teary-eyed while reading this. I also gave birth last July 5 and just like you it’s been a roller coaster ride( especially with breastfeeding) it still is challengig until now but you are right by the grace of God kinakaya and our cute babies so deserve all these labor of love. Super relate na relate ako sa breastfeeding pains and struggles and the crying moments sabay kami ni baby hehe. Thank you so much I am so blessed and encouraged reading your post. God bless you more and may God grant you more strength, courage and pain tolerance as we learn in this season 😊.

  16. Exactly what I need today. I am in tears. I am giving birth to our baby boy via planned cs in a few days, and a lot of times I (already) feel inadequate and overwhelmed. Thanks for sharing your story. 🙂

  17. you’re doing a great job ms. patty! i couldn’t put my experience in words 6 months ago any better than your blog today and those painful sweet memories all came back to me, from breastfeeding to recovering from CS. i was almost in tears and i remember crying over similar stories i’ve been reading at that time. i didn’t think at that time that any nursing mother would possibly know how i was feeling, and everytime i nursed and cried, i had to ask myself if i could go on with it. it was indeed the most painful experience i’ve ever had in 30 years. and in between my first 6 weeks when i fed my baby formula milk because i could’t muster the strength to let my baby nurse, i still cried because i felt guilty not giving my baby his liquid gold. and so after 6 weeks, i decided to just tell my nips to toughen up because i will continue breastfeeding in tears or not. and thankfully, after 2 mos, it got a tiny bit less painful, and much better after 3 mos 🙂 (which in my reading was because baby’s mouth has grown bigger to let the boobies in) cracks happened less frequently after that. and now at 6 months, we got a better rhythm already :)) you deserve a pat on the back and big hugs because what you’re going through is super hard. indeed, we make choices, and even if we nursed for a week, or a month or 6, or even to those who decided not to, mommies need to be applauded for doing the best they can for their babies. congratulations and i hope your breastfeeding journey gets less rough soon! God bless your whole fam :)))

  18. Thanks for this enlightening blog patty! It made me realize that I also need to look within myself and have my own brand of motherhood. I, too, have absorbed so much information in preparation for the baby that sometimes i feel that i’m just in ‘operations’ mode – that it’s just all in a day’s work. Lots of luck to us and God bless!!

  19. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for sharing all your wonderful stories! Now I feel so much better and more encouraged to know Im not alone! For all the mommies out there, know that you are loved and you are valued! And that God sees all your efforts! No need to feel guilty or embarrassed about your decisions, it’s all about what we believe is best for our little ones 🙂 🙂 Salamat!

  20. Congratulations and welcome to motherhood.. I believe you when you said that every mother is unique and sure enough God has designed us to never be compared to other mothers.. I salute you for trying and continue to persue to be a breastfeeding mother. I myself did have a hard time with my son the first time but still continue and did the same with my daughter.. At the end of the day it’s always going to be your choice, and whatever it is the one best for your little Theo as God is there guiding you every step of the way.. God bless always and enjoy motherhood.

  21. I AM INSPIRED! I am a fan since 2012? 2013? I’m not sure. And i really make sure to visit your blog every single day. Why? because your entries (like this one) give me strength and hope that despite of all the hardships, great things will still happen. Thank you miss Patty for always being positive! Yung good vibes mo nakakahawa! hahahaha, Congratulations again! Remember, YOU ARE BLESSED! 🙂

  22. I rarely leave comment on celeb blogs. Hehe. One of the few ito hehe.

    I remembered ny bfeeding journey too while reading your blog. True. It was painful – mas masakit pa nung nanganak ako. My daughter is tongue and lip tied. So she never had a perfect latch. Like you, pinakyaw ko na rin lahat ng possible na pain in bfeeding. Pero lagi ko naiisip yung commitment ko in giving what I know is best for my daughter and lagi ko naiisip na we women were designed by the Lord to bear offspring, give birth and nurture them – from newborn to adulthood.

    So Ms Patty, carry on. After you’ve hurdled all this (I was able to bfeed my daughter, pain and all for a yr! Praise God!), you will be one happy mama. All by God’s grace and strength!

    God bless you!

  23. What a wonderful testimony you just shared. The best examples & are the most relatable are the ones that are real, sincere & straight from a mom’s heart. Feel na feel ko yung mga hugot moments mo (i.ex using your feet to reach for your lapton haha) God bless you in your journey. I guess God is really really wise & all-knowing making sure our babies & toddlers are the cutest little things —otherwise we wouldnt endure & persevere. Nasabi ko na rin yan out of amusement when my 2nd child was cluster feeding as a newborn sooo different from my first born who was such an easy baby. But you know what Ms Patty, it will get better. Hang in there. Ü

  24. Hi Patty! Congratulations on your little bundle of ultimate joy. 😀 I took a break from Instagram and naloka ako when I checked your feed and found out na nanganak ka na pala almost a month ago huhu. Theo is gorgeous! Love his name, too.

    Sending big hugs and light your way. Sabi nila the first six weeks are the most difficult, medyo totoo nga siguro kase I can’t remember ours haha and it’s great that you were able to write all these emotions and thoughts down because kahit gaano kahirap you would want to remember them someday. 🙂

    It was problematic for me to breastfeed din, after almost three months of heartache, we decided to go the other way kase like you’ve said, happy mommy = happy baby. You do what is best for you and your family. There will always be support and love if you seek it.

    Looking forward to reading and seeing more of this wonderful new adventure you are now on with your boys. Much love. Xx

  25. Hi Patty! You’re doing great 🙂 I had the same experience with my baby. I was so tired post-CS, and breastfeeding was so painful. I was crying and cringing every feed. But I just kept praying and praying, eventually, breastfeeding got less painful. Just continue to stay strong and to pray 🙂 May God continue to bless your family and your breastfeeding journey.

  26. Hi, Patty.

    I hear you. We hear you.

    Your mom is right – only you can find the way on how to best take care of your child. When a baby is born, a mother is born as well. You can’t possibly know everything all at once. It’s a learning process… one day at a time. Getting to know your baby and finding out how God will give you His grace to see the struggles through.

    As for breastfeeding, I like what our birthing instructor told us in class – it’s natural but not instinctive. You and your child will take cues from each other and no one else can dictate that rhythm.

    Be strong and congratulations on keeping Theo alive! It’s small consolation now when you’re neck-deep in the trenches but the first baby is always the hardest to figure out because you’re learning the ropes at the same time he is 100% dependent on you.

    So take it easy and let this time be for you and Theo to just bond. I am a mother of three girls (ages 6, 4 and 2) all of whom I gave birth to without epidural and breastfed for months on end. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could be so selfless, hahaha. But God called me to motherhood just like you and countless women in the world so go ahead and trust His faithfulness! God gave you and Patrick an angel to take care of… He will make sure you have everything you need to raise him well.

    Take care,

  27. Congrats patty for the new baby :). I have journeyed with you since 2008 maybe. You can really put your thoughts into words and you are super relatable. I am a fan.

    Good job for pressing on with breastfeeding but if it gets so tough there is always milk formula :). God also created it anyway hehehe.

    I hope I’m making you laugh and not inis..I am a mother of two toddlers, my son was not allowed to try my milk because of a medication I had while pregnant with him. With my daughter, I mixed fed her for six months until work did not allow me anymore.

    My point is both of them turned out ok and they are both very close to me:).

    I think Thio will love you just the same – breastfed or formulafed. And yes, I love your mom’s advice. Take care.

  28. Hey, Patty.

    You’re doing an awesome job being a MOM to your little one and trusting God’s grace and faithfulness! Jesus will never ever let you down. 🙂

    Thank you for sharing what I should be expecting when God finally gives me a child to care for. Your strength, courage and determination are such an inspiration for a trying-to-conceive wife like me. 🙂

    God bless you and your family!

  29. napuwing ba ako? or, are these really tears in my eyes?? haha!! THANK YOU so much Patty for sharing your story. I’ve actually been waiting for this since I saw the first photo of handsome Theo 🙂 I can’t say more but just THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! You have made me appreciate the person, the MOM I’m going to be in just a few weeks. You’re so right to say that we are all different in each and every way and the best thing to celebrate that is to support each other, be a PRO-MOM! I salute you for being so BRAVE and TOUGH yet filled with so much LOVE you can only imagine. I wish you, Patrick, and Theo the happiest and a blessed journey ahead as a FAMILY. 🙂

  30. This is the only article (or blog entry) about motherhood that made me cry (or shed buckets of tears). Your words encapsulated everything that I’ve felt these past 11 weeks.

    I’m also also struggling with breastfeeding until now, and have decided to exclusively pump as early as 2 weeks. Sometimes I ask myself if there is still a point in persevering, but I strive to continue nevertheless, as this is what works for us (for now).

    You have no idea how much impact this entry has made to (especially) new moms — more power to you!!

  31. When the going gets tough there’s always fromula. You are right not to succumb to what society dictates and that breastfeeding is your choice despite the difficulties, kudos to you for that but whatever you chose to do, your family, friends and all of the mommies out there will support you.

  32. Oh Patty! I have been following your blog. I also delivered a baby girl named Isabella last July 5, 2015 and I can relate what you’ve been through. Funny.. i thought it’s just me having these ngarag days. Well im not happy to know about your sleepless nights and pain of nursing but its comforting to know that what im experiencing right now is normal. I have almost the same routine as yours after July 5.

    What an inspiration to read this blog! Cheers! Job well done Momi Pat!

  33. Hi Patty,

    God Bless you and your courage! Iba talaga ang nanay gagawin lahat para sa mga anak. Praying for more strength and good health for you, your baby Theo and husband Patrick.

  34. you and your mom nailed it! your the perfect mother for Theo 🙂 just take things one day at a time… let motherhood surprise you each day 🙂

  35. Hugs! Super relate dun sa buti nalang at super cute ang babies ko. I tandem breastfeed my daughters… super sakit nga especially with my eldest. Nothing prepares you for it. No amount of reading breaks you in for it. There were days i wish i wouldnt wake up but ayun… looking at my baby makes my heart swell with pure love. My longest latch marathon during a growth spurt with my eldest was 7hrs. Yes dinala ko siya sa banyo and well… naligo na rin kami together while babywearing her. My youngest is turning 3mos tomorrow… hay time flies. It just gets more beautiful and becomes easier as the days go by. I super love your line about being Pro Mom. After all… every mom only wants one thing for her child… which is to give the best she knows how. Thank you for this article Patty. You put into words what we moms think, feel and go through in the daily grind of nurturing our children. This is the most beautiful role i have been on and most days i am not even sure im doing the right thing! 😂

  36. haaay this made me cry. My baby is 10weeks old now. And every single day I feel guilty of not being able to breastfeed her. I had nipple issues and she just wouldn’t latch. It pains me seeing her cry, turn super red and get frustrated each time I offer her my breast. I tried mix feeding thru cup. I would always cry each time I pump wishing and praying that soon she’ll latch. But she never did. It was heart breaking. I was so depressed. Then my husband and mom told me “mas tragic kung wala kang mapakain sa anak mo” . I think my daughter feels na I was really depressed. Kaya when she was around 3weeks old, she would smile at me After EACH feeding and burping. No fail talaga.Then it hit me, which ever type of feeding I choose, hindi dun masusukat ang pagiging Mommy ko. All I know is that, God made me to be her mother. Mama nya ako. And she knows I’m trying to give her the best that I can give. And that’s all that really matters. Kaya deadma na ko sa mga judgmental and know-it-all moms na nagpadagdag pa sa stress ko. Super thanks, Patty! thru this blog post I was able to vent out my exact feelings. Na feel kong di ako nagiisa. Na lahat tayo blessed by God to be a mom. Kaya simple lang dapat, PRO-MOM lang. 🙂
    Thanks again, Patty! God bless us all 🙂

  37. Hey co-Patty! I went through the same breastfeeding journey and felt the same way too. Howcome other moms are smooth sailing eh ako parang mamamatay na sa pain? What am I doing wrong? I’ve read everything and even have a breastfeeding coach. It was even more painful than the CS experience. True, each mom is unique and our journeys are different too. It will pass. Now my 16 month old and I are champs at it, but looking back, I would remember my cries and pains and all the wounds, chills and fever, major mastitis and crying while nursing. Seriously I’d go through the same for my little one 😊 it was all worth it! Good job on not giving up and praying for your health and recovery! We have the best job in the world! And blessed to have supportive husbands 😊

  38. Theres no right or wrong with motherhood. Its what works for you. Im a mom of an 18 month baby girl and i noticed that madami ako nakasabay na celebrities both locally and hollywood who gave birth around the same time as me and you. or did i just notice them because i too have a baby? Matagal na yatang uso. But thats where im getting at… the word “uso” or “fad”. When i became a mother, i noticed na kahit pala sa motherhood may fad din. Akala ko sa clothes and fashion lang yun. May uso pala on how u raise ur kids. You should do baby wearing, dont carry ur baby, cosleep, dont cosleep, pacifier, no pacifier, be a stay at home mom, be a working mom, be a working at home mom. Seriously… these advices just make us feel worse than what we really are. Im sorry but i see these “advises” as nakikiuso lang. Lets follow our heart and do whats best for our babies and ourselves.

    Don’t force yourself. Take it easy. If its becoming really difficult, there are other options. One may be better than the other but the other is not any worse. If u r upset about not being able to do one thing, remember that there are other moms who are on the same boat and had to take the path away from their original plan and expectations and it worked well too.

  39. OMG, It was totally the same for me when my baby was a newborn. Add to that the unbearable thrush pain that I don’t wish on my worst enemy. You will get through it and when you do, you’ll find joy in breastfeeding. My baby is now turning 11 months and I’m very happy I stuck through it. I thought my breastfeeding journey was the most difficult thing I had to endure too but now even if I still nurse consistently, all that pain feels like a distant memory. God bless!

  40. ms patty nakakaiyak, natouched ako coz na experience ko din yan being a mother of two is hard pero super happiness and nabibigay syo diba! stay strong god bless you ,your husband and your little cutie theo. im really a fan for your site coz i do enjoy your blog and testimonials, congratulations WONDER MOM!

  41. Hi Patty,

    I have always read your blog from afar but never actually wanted to post a comment until now. I want you to know that you are such a blessing and a wonderful inspiration to me. You touch my heart and soul even if I do not know you in person.

    Never ever think that you are palpak! There is no shame in going thru some difficulties especially in breastfeeding. I highly applaud your dedication to continue breastfeeding, other mom would have simply given up.

    You are such a great example of God’s love to His people. You inspire me, you enable me, you give me so much strength with all your testimonies. I hope you know that you inspire so many women. You are beautiful inside and out, and like things which are always worth it, the journey to it will never always be easy.

    Lots of love and prayers for you and your family, esp to baby Theo. 🙂

    Regards, Pau

  42. This was me more than a year ago (I wrote something like this too, and eventhough the first few months are rough (rougher than rough.. roughest! I had a natural labor and delivery, but breastfeeding for the first two months was more painful than that!), now looking back I don’t regret a thing – not the bleeding nipples, the hourly feeds, the rock-hard, plugged breasts, the nursing aversion (where I thought my son hated me).. Looking at our baby it was all worth it. And by God’s goodness this will all pass for you too.. all too soon, before you even realize it. My breastfeeding mantra back then was: take it one day/ one hour at a time, but don’t quit on your worst day. And now we are still happily nursing (directly, after 3 months of exclusive pumping), at 14 months!

    We are praying for you 🙂

  43. May God bless you Patty and your family…You are doing just great and you still are inspiration despite the challenges you are going through right now. Keep it up!

  44. Been there and struggled also with everything you mentioned, and mixed at 3 months because my supply just couldn’t keep up. Breastfeeding is not a commandment in the Bible. You are a great mom and we need mommies like you in the limelight who are real about the struggle!

  45. I felt every pain and joy in your blog. I don’t normally post comments but with this one I had to. I was in the same situation 7 months ago. It gets better each day, hang on tight. It’s good you have a good support group, I live in Sydney and being away from family and girl friends is the hardest. It’s good my mom was here for 5 weeks after my CS, but after that it was all me and my partner. I had to read different breastfeeding forums and read different articles on the web. Now, I rely on my instinct versus following methods or books. Follow your heart and do what works for you, prayer helps too. God bless your beautiful family, I wish you well. 😀

  46. Patty, I really like you, your blog and your growing family. I have supported you all through out these years.

    But this post just made me love you as a sister in Christ and as a woman. I am nowhere near in becoming a mom and been praying for a child, having been married for almost 6 yrs to my hubby (my beau of 12 yrs). We all have unique stories to tell but at the end of the day, it is to glorify His Name.

    I am partnering with you in prayer!

  47. Hi Patty! I’m also a new mom and I feel you. I exclusively breastfed my daughter for her first 3 days only to find out that no milk is coming out. I didn’t know at that time that my daughter could be dehydrated. I thought all along that it was okay since they said that milk supply is expected to be so low during the first few days and that it was going to be okay. Tutned out, I had very low milk supply. I cried so hard that night and prayed with my husband. I felt so bad that I couldn’t breastfeed my daughter. Although I never stopped trying even if my baby is just using my boobies as her pacifier.
    I know that formula milk isn’t as healthy as breast milk but I just prayed na God would provide what I lack and that He would just bless my child with all the nutrition she needs. And by God’s grace, my daughter is already 4 months old and drinking formula but has never been sick. She’s healthy as can be. Truly a testament of God’s greatness!!!

  48. Greatly touched by Mommy Leah. Remembered my own mom saying, “Your baby needs you. You are his only mother, so no matter how you feed him, you do that.” I also remember vividly telling my husband, “bibigay na yata katawan ko” and I cried incessantly at the clinic, not wanting to touch my baby whom I couldn’t breastfeed because it was too painful. Still brings tears to my eyes.. Motherhood is not an easy journey, but you’ll survive just like the rest of us! 🙂 You are a good person.. and to bring up our children with good values, that’s our most important work 🙂

  49. Patty thanks for being so real. For admitting that being a new mom is tough and could suck life out of you. When I had my newborn 4 years ago I felt like I was the only one who felt that way because all I read about was the joys of being a mom, many forgot to mention or admit about all the hardships it came with. But if it helps, just think that it will get better each day or maybe each month hehe I pray thay God will restore your health and happiness and relieve you from all your worries and pain.

  50. Hi Patty,

    I totally feel you and completely understand what you have gone through and continue to go through day-by-day.

    I too had an emergency CS. But even with that I was determined to bfeed my daughter no matter what. And just like you, I thought it would only take some adjustments. Never did think about the pain and discomfort. I WAS IN PAIN! Pain was an understatement. I would cry each time my daughter would latch and my toes would curl too. Had the whole shabang on pain and discomfort one could go through as an effect of bfeeding. But with determination, my husbands support and God, believe it or not, it actually got better by around the 10th week! So I set my goal to reaching at least 6 months… Here we are, 26months and counting. 🙂

  51. This made me cry. Super iyak. Congrats Patty for doing a good job! Congrats to all the moms out there! To us. When I had my first child, nagulat nalang din ako sa mga kaya ko palang gawin. Now, exclusively breastfeeding with my second and experiencing it all over again. Prayers are truly powerful. God bless you Patty.

  52. MOtherhood is not an easy journey but all the sacrifices are worth it.
    Ganyan din ako, umiiyak ako sa sobrang kirot/hapdi kapag nag lalatch siya sakin. Mas masakit pa siya compared doon sa cs mo pero we have to endure the pain para sa little one natin.

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