Last night (like all the other nights before) I was in severe pain. I kept tossing and turning trying to find a position that would bring me relief but to no avail. The pain of my wound hits me worst at night (for some odd reason, I’m perfectly fine during the day) and aside from the physical discomfort–it really takes a toll on me emotionally. This is when Patrick usually comes to my bedside and strokes my hand, lulling me to sleep while praying for me on my behalf. Sometimes when you’re just in so much pain, even praying is so hard to do, so it’s good to have your husband to do the praying for you. Parang SUB lang 🙂
Sexy Toes in Bed
I kept chanting repeatedly in my head “Lord, just let me sleep so I can wake up happy tomorrow. Lord, just let me sleep so I can wake up happy tomorrow.” And in the middle of my chants (and desperate pleas), I found myself thanking God through the pain. It just hit me that I was in this exact same bed, staring up the exact same ceiling, also with tearful eyes years ago after a very painful break up. I was in so much emotional pain then that my body was aching as well. And I was also chanting night after night “Lord, just let me sleep..because I don’t want to wake up to face tomorrow”. I’m just in awe of how my life is so different today, all by God’s grace. Back then, I had no reason to get up in the morning..which is the COMPLETE opposite of where I am today. All I want to do is get better, all I want to do is get out of bed to hug my husband and to live the life God designed just for me. I can honestly say that sadness is worse than any body ailment. I would much rather sleep with a broken body than a broken spirit ANY DAY. Break my bones, tear off my muscles, just don’t kill my SPIRIT. So that’s what I am grateful for today, that although I’m physically damaged as of now—I have never felt more whole emotionally in my life. God has kept my spirit strong and intact and he continues to work in me everyday!
The doctor took out the bandage of my wound today. I have a scar, a long line which is a stern reminder of this whole incident. A lot of people say it’s like a proud badge on my body to declare how strong I was. Sure, that sounds so ideal but in reality, it can be a cause for insecurity for most people—at kasama na ako dun. I stared at my body in the bathroom and started weeping. I felt UGLY. I’ve always had a very healthy body image and I’ve always loved the way I looked–but today, seeing my wound put me at an all time low. Patrick caught me crying and just hugged me tight. He called me BEAUTIFUL. And though it might take a while for me to believe it for myself, I know I will have to rely on his words for now. It sounds shallow but I’ve even added this to my prayer requests, for God to make me feel pretty all over again. 🙂 Beauty really comes from within—and this certainly rings true for me now more than ever! I am determined to snap out of this little phase soon and work on being happy about my new “beauty mark”! Kaya ‘to! 🙂
The doctor has put me on “house arrest” for another 3 weeks so it looks like we will be squatting at my parents’ place a bit longer. She says it’s best for me to just stay home and let my insides recover fully especially since I did have major surgery in the most delicate part of my body–and though half of me wants to rebel against her orders, I know she just wants what’s best for me and so I will be a good and obedient patient. I’m walking faster these days (not anymore like a sloth–more like a penguin!) and I’m finding ways to be productive even in bed.
I promise to bring you a lot of fun blog entries in the coming weeks and to make things as interactive as possible despite my condition. I hope you will stick with me and bear with me guys!:)