Even When It Hurts

Before I proceed with this entry, I just wanted to start by sharing this song. I’ve been trying my very best to be the warrior everyone’s been pushing me to be but as soon as I heard this song this morning—the warrior in me was completely obliterated and I turned into strawberry JELL-O. Click Play and you’ll know why. If you’re going through a difficult season, I hope this song ministers to you as well.

“Even when the fight seems lost, I’ll praise YOU. Even when it hurts like HELL, I’ll praise YOU. Even when it makes no sense to sing, LOUDER then I’ll sing your PRAISE.” It’s like someone took the words straight out of my lips. It hasn’t been easy to be in a state of praise when there have been many days of anguish and many nights of despair… but still, Patrick and I have chosen to praise JESUS—just because HE deserves it, regardless of our circumstance.

Just last week, I wrote a blog post chronicling all my struggles with breastfeeding for the past month. A lot of you were so sweet, cheering me on and your words were like honey to my soul! Salamat, salamat 🙂 🙂 🙂 I had every intention to try, try, and try—and honestly, I thought one day I would actually succeed. If you read the entry you’ll see my unwavering hope laced in between those paragraphs. God knows how hard I tried and how desperate I was waiting to experience a breakthrough, but sadly it never came. It just was not part of God’s story for us.

My friends, it is with a very heavy heart that I have to share that my breastfeeding journey has finally come to an end. I am in tears as I type these words because putting it out there makes it all the more final and yes, all the more painful. Knowing that the Lord caused for this to happen puts my heart at ease though and I can grieve this lost battle with acceptance. And I hope that by being open about it with all of you, you too will respect and accept my decision as well. I am stepping out of the shadows and declaring this boldly because I don’t want to feel shame, I want to be able to celebrate MY brand of motherhood with Theo openly and proudly 🙂

Last Tuesday was the final straw as I had to undergo an emergency surgery for my left breast because of complications caused by my breastfeeding problems. A huge mass developed so quickly, they had to cut and drain just within hours of what seemed like a regular check-up. I didn’t even bring any clothes with me to the hospital and everything just happened so quickly and abruptly. I was surprised at how things escalated so fast and the gravity of the situation I was faced with. I will not go into further detail because I am still not ready to talk about my entire experience–at least not yet. I am still dealing with the trauma of the whole ordeal and still in a lot of pain, so I hope you can just give me time to get through this. I still cry whenever I see my left breast—which I have lovingly dubbed “ScarFace” and “Franken-Breast”. Hehehe. My sweetheart Patrick changes my dressing several times a day and I’m glad he doesn’t cringe at the sight of it.

The night after the surgery was when I decided to give up the fight. There I was hooked up on an IV, groggy from the anesthesia, immobile with a dismembered breast, in a hospital gown, staring at the world’s slowest wall clock telling myself again and again “I should be HOME!!!!”. And yes, home was where I was supposed to be–hugging, snuggling, cuddling with my newborn son and telling him how much I love him. It was too CLEAR to deny, it was spelled out for me in ALL CAPS, in RED, and in BOLD. It was time to stop, it was time to accept my painful reality and move towards another direction. It was my sister-in-law Cecil who even pointed it out to me, “Patty, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve been through 2 major operations (C-section and Breast surgery) within weeks, plus all the ailments of breastfeeding—your body has been through a lot and you deserve to be healthy and happy again.” I was so consumed with trying to give Theo breastmilk that I was pushing my body to impossible limits and I forgot to take care of myself. In the process, it caused me to fail in my mothering all the more! I was always in excruciating PAIN and down with a fever, chills, nausea. My breasts would be bleeding, bruised and swollen—it stopped me from hugging Theo tight and caring for him the way he needed to be cared for! I was missing the point. And it had to reach this extent, to get my confined at the hospital, to wake up from all this and do something about it.

But I do want to be clear about this—Even with all the pain and trauma attached to my personal breastfeeding journey, I still am and will always be a big supporter of breastfeeding. Just because it didn’t work for me personally, doesn’t mean it’s something I don’t believe in. Just because you’ve been divorced, separated, heartbroken, cheated on or single—doesn’t mean you can’t believe in true LOVE right??? One doesn’t have to be in a happy and perfect relationship to attach value to LOVE or to understand how much LOVE matters. That’s where I’m at now. Even if I can’t physically breastfeed, it’s still something I will always look at with the highest regard. I still see the undeniable power of a mother’s breast to nourish and nurture and I will always encourage moms out there to breastfeed IF THEY CAN. The bonding between mom&baby, the health benefits, the security your baby will feel when attached to your chest—all these things and more make it worth all the sacrifices. Breastfeeding is a God given mechanism, something so pure and beautiful! But in the same breath, I am also comforted by the fact that the Lord equips each mother with the freedom of choice and her own motherly wisdom and intuition. And that in my decision (prompted by my medical condition and physical limitations), I am still able to choose a path of health, love and happiness with God’s blessing for me and Theo. It may not be the ideal situation but it’s the set-up I am determined to maximize and make the most out of. I will make our “handicapped” journey the best one yet and I am determined to make a testimony out of Theo’s life through this experience! Whatever I may lack, the Lord will be faithful to FILL through and through!!!

I know that the F word (formula) is such a sensitive topic these days but this is the path my husband and I are now on and I hope instead of criticism, we will be faced with compassion and consideration instead. We are new parents and we are really just trying our best. Some will say “Maybe she didn’t try hard enough?” or “Maybe she didn’t exhaust all her options” or “Maybe she was doing it all wrong”. Maybe this, maybe that. OH, How I wish I knew all the answers just like you, How I wish I was strong like you, How I wish I had your functioning and problem free breasts instead of mine. But I’m not you and you’re not me. And I will never ever know how it feels to be in your shoes even if I tried—and in the same way, you will never ever know how it feels to be in mine. So for those who are disappointed (or even angered) by my decision, I don’t expect you to agree with me—but I do pray that you would show some kindness to me (and to all the mothers out there who are struggling just like me!). I hope you would resist the urge to leave that critical comment, any corrections/suggestions, or ungrounded judgment calls and instead channel that energy towards praying for me. Because that’s what I need, your prayers. Yun lang, simple lang po. From one mother to another, I hope that despite our differences, we would be able to still support and love one another because at the end of the day—we’re united by our intentions to LOVE our children the best way we know how!

To my parents and my in laws—THANK YOU for supporting our decision and for caring for Theo while we were in the hospital. Indeed, it takes an entire village to raise a child and I have the BEST, MOST AMAZING village 🙂

To my friends who sent me prayers via text, who reached out to me personally, who fed me in the hospital—thank you for being tangible reminders of God’s faithfulness in my life.

To all my friends in the breastfeeding community, thank you for standing by me as I made the decision to let go of breastfeeding—for not making me feel guilty for doing so and for respecting our plans as a family. Your validation meant so much to me!!!

I am still continuing my treatment at home and I still need your prayers for FULL and COMPLETE healing! Just this morning as Patrick and I were doing our couple’s devotion, I prayed that God would make us “normal” again..that we would be able to go to a restaurant, to the mall, to a friend’s house with Theo—just like a normal and perfectly healthy family!!! It’s been a month of trial after trial after trial—we are just dying to catch a breather. Just a small, little break from all this. I want to be my kengkoy and babaw self again!!! I miss that Patty and I hope I see her again soon 🙂 🙂 I can’t wait for Theo to meet HER—and to see how wonderfully corny his mom really is!!!! I love you Theo, I love you Patrick, I love you JESUS!!! All these hardships won’t erase the fact that I am still the luckiest girl in the world.

89 Responses to Even When It Hurts

  1. Praying for you Patty. You don’t know how much you’ve influenced me in putting value on the most essential aspect of life, LOVE — in all its purest forms. You deserve all the love and support you’re having all through this challenge. God has blessed you with such a loving husband, and even if you he can’t express it just yet — a very understanding and loving son, Theo. You’re his HERO no matter what. 🙂

    • God loves you so much patty. Continue to be an inspiration to everyone. God bless you and your family. As the bible says, He will never leave you nor forsake you.

  2. So beautifully said, Patty. Thank you for sharing your story. Every mother’s journey is different and your decisions are made with a pure heart for both you and Theo to be happy and healthy. You are one the strongest warriors I know on this adventure called motherhood and I believe God is using you to inspire many others to be just as brave. Sending you love and my full and utmost support. xx

  3. I a mom who at day 4, had to give in to “F”. Unfortunately, unlike you, I didn’t try hard enough — I just gave up — seeing that my newborn was wailing because I just did not have any milk at that time.. n the end, I did have some breast milk, but I still continued my mix feeding up to 3 months..

    Anyway, my point is that, you are not alone. And I admire you for your persistence, strength and humility. I will continue to pray for your speedy recovery, and for you to be back to your happy, babaw self 🙂

    Take care!

  4. you’re one brave mother, Ms . Patty. Just like you, i am also an advocate of breastfeeding. My son is a premie at 35 weeks so i really exhausted all means to breastfeed him.. i have inverted nipples so it was really a struggle for him and for me as well. i would used the syringe just to pull my nipple out.. it was so painful… i bought electric pump, natalac and other supplements that would increase my breastmilk but it came down in trickles and my son will cry from hunger.. i can pump but it will only yield 10ml and is really not enough for my baby’s appetite.. it was difficult to accept that i cant produce my own milk for my son but i realized that i cant really force myself to give something which i dont have.. important thing is i tried so hard.. right now, my baby is a healthy young boy @ 1. he only weighs 1800 grams at birth and i gave him formula milk since i cant produce my own milk.. when he reached 6 months old, i fed him with organic cereals, then veggies and fruits.. he took his 1st few independent steps at 11 months and is very healthy and happy… so , dont worry. everything will be alright. God bless you ans your little family of love.

  5. We’re on the same boat (I am also unable to breastfeed) and I just want to give you a big hug!!! It’s our time (your readers) to make you feel better. I remember that you answered my email a few years back when I was at a very low point in my life and how the God Card post made me feel better. Now it’s our time to cheer you up.

    It will get better. When you hit rock bottom, there’s just no way but up. Praying for you and your family!! 🙂

  6. I am in tears as I read this. I am not a mom yet but I feel you. I’ve seen moms like you who also struggled with their breasfeeding journeys, my sister in law in particular. Just like you, she fought so hard too. I remember my mom telling her, “that (not being able to breastfeed) does not define the kind of mother you are. God sees what is inside your heart and that’s all that matters.” Praying for your complete healing Ms. Patty. Little Theo is so blessed to have a mom like you. God bless your kind heart 🙂

  7. Hi Patty. Thank you for sharing your story. I just want to say that not being able to continue your breastfeeding journey does NOT make you any less of a mother. In fact, to go through such length in an attempt to continue breastfeeding Theo is extremely impressive. I applaud you, Patty, for your sacrifices. I applaud you for your scars. I applaud you for your sleepless nights. I applaud your for your love. With that love, everything else follows suit. And that’s all that really matters. 🙂 Theo and Patrick are blessed to have you. 🙂

  8. Dear Patty, you have been so brave to share this with us readers. Thank you for your openness and I pray that your body recovers soon. Theo is blessed to have a fighter and a mom who chooses to love Jesus no matter what the circumstances are. Your testimony is powerful!!! 🙂

  9. Hi! Your sis in law is right, don’t be too hard with yourself. Just relax, take a breather. Expectations from other people are adding stress on you. Just be there for Theo. Breastfeeding is not the only criteria in being a good mom. There are A LOT of things to do to have your bond with him. Take care always!

  10. When I decided to give my baby formula after 3 weeks of trying because she was not getting enough milk from me and was not gaining weight, I did not feel guilty at all as all I wanted was to nourish my baby properly. Whether it was breast milk or formula, I didn’t care. As much as I do support breastfeeding, sometimes I feel it is overrated and the breastfeeding mafia (as what me and my husband call them) a.k.a breastfeeding extremists/enthutiasts can be really harsh, unforgiving, pushy and judgemental. My point is, as long as our baby are well cared and well nourished, nothing else matters. I was not breastfed and here I am all of 40 years, healthy and not on any single regular medication. My daughter who was not breastfed is now 6 years old, healthy and excelling in school and she is very close to me. Good luck to you, Patty. As early as now I can see you really are a great mom!

  11. Hi Patty,

    I struggled with breastfeeding too, for two months and finally decided that it was not for me. I did not have milk and no matter how I tried, it just was not plenty. It was a very difficult decision to make as I felt I was doing the wrong thing changing to formula because here in Norway, it was like it was assumed you are gonna breastmilk your kid. Just like that. With a one year maternity leave, they assume that you can just breastfeed your baby. There is not even a lot of formula choices! And in my mommy group, I was the only one giving formula. Sometimes I would cry after our weekly meet ups because I would question myself maybe I did not try hard enough, maybe I should have tried more. My son is now 2 yrs and 8 mos and when I see him and how beautiful he is, I am at peace and everything is ok.

    I love your stories and I know I will love your mommy stories all the more, too!



  12. Forgot to add, breastfeeding is NOT the only way to have that “bond”. Theo knows already how much you love him and he loves you too. That’s what matters!

  13. I can relate. Reading your blog brings a lot memories of my breastfeesing journey too. You made the right decision.. To be a healthy Mom to baby Theo.

  14. Patty, be strong. Being a mother cannot be measured whether you are breastfeeding, mixed or pure formula. I’ve experienced the same struggle for a month after giving birth. My baby is 6 months now and our bond as mother and son is beyond compare. Kudos to us new moms!!

  15. Not being able to breastfeed doesn’t make you less of a mother. Do not let society ever make you guilty and feel that you are not as worthy as the other breastfeeding moms.

    -from one “anatomically challenged and could not breastfeed mother” to another 🙂

  16. Lovely post Patty. Inspiring & real. Being a nurturer doesnt always have to be expressed through breastfeeding. You were already nurturing baby Theo from your womb. Coincidental that this blog happened to be during the breastfeeding month — kinda serves as a neutralizer for all of us moms breastfeeding or not, to be more gentle, supportive & less judgmental with our choices. Its really about loving your baby the best way you can. Thats what matters. Take care & get well soon! ☺️

  17. Hi Ms. Patty,

    You are the best gift God has given to Theo.

    This is indeed a great testimony. No matter what, you are blessed and you are also a blessing to others. Even us your readers. Continue to inspire us with your real and beautiful life.

    Keep the faith Ms Patty. We’re behind you and praying for you. God bless you more! 🙂

  18. Hi Patty, i hope you recover fast, having 2 major ops in weeks time is really a no joke… Just like you I ended breastfeeding after a month… Due to low supply. But there are a lot of other avenues of motherhood. For as long as we are doing the best that we can for our baby, I think he will difinitely appreciate every bit of it. Hang in there patty! Kisses to baby theo.

  19. Thank God for honest, real people like you. What strength you have to write this. I admire you. Please remember that it doesn’t make you less of a mom. And yes, we all agree hands down that breast is best but at the end of the day, our children’s health and safety are all in the hands of God. It’s not about us — not about what we do or don’t do, what we can or cannot give them. It’s all God’s grace. We can only do as much. ❤️

  20. Patty, don’t be too hard on yourself. I didn’t breastfeed Anton and Javi before (kinda hard when we had to be up in the studio darn early for Breakfast!), and I’m breastfeeding Lexi now –but I love them all the same. There will be many other ways to bond and that’s what makes parenting so beautiful. It gives you countless ways to share love with this little creature God has blessed you with. Smile and enjoy it!

  21. Finally, a blog entry from the Philippines that talks about how difficult breastfeeding is!!! Outside looking in (I am SF based), I always felt like most of my mommy friends based there have been brainwashed to think that breast is the only acceptable answer, bottles are bad, formula even worse and if you can’t nurse directly, cup feed! By the way, I write this as an exclusively nursing mom (baby won’t even take milk from a bottle!!!) so there is no hugot that I’m drawing from lol. It’s about time for the mommy wars to end. Thank you for writing such a brave entry. I hope it makes everyone realize that motherhood isn’t defined solely by how you feed your child. God speed and prayers for you from my little family on your healing.

  22. Hi Patty,
    i will be kenkoy, you just need an efficient sterilizer, then you’re good. I think it was the sterilizer that saved me from going mental when I had to do the formula route after many failed and tragic attempts. And everytime I use it I remind myself that I’m not shortchanging my child, contrary to what everyone says.

    Almost a year into it, I am still being shamed for that choice I made.

    Anyway, I hope after this raw and honest post, you will be spared the shaming that some of us had to endure.
    Most importantly, I hope all the moms who have read this will be kinder to the struggles of other mothers and learn to respect decisions pertaining to motherhood and resist, resist the temptation to belittle others who are doing things differently.

  23. Thank you for sharing your story, Patty. My prayers are with you and your little family. 🙂 It takes a lot to be a good mum and whether one chooses to breastfeed or not should not be its measure.

  24. Hi Patty.. This is my favorite song too in my season right now. God is faithful in everything. He will see you through. So yeah even if it hurts like hell we will still praise Him.

  25. Hi Ms Patty.

    First of all I salute you for being a brave wife and mom, for you have made the decision to trust God with this journey.

    I may have not experienced the same thing as you did, but I understand how painful this was for you and your family. Your decision to stop won’t make you any less of a mother. You are the greatest mother Theo could ever have. Your love for him is what matters most.

    And one day, Theo will tell everyone how proud and blessed he is to have you and Mr. Patrick as his parents.

    Praying for complete healing as well as for your family. God bless you Ms. Patty.

  26. Welcome home! Theo is over the moon that his momma is back! Happy sniffing theo’s sweet breath and endless cuddling, giggling, snuggling, hugging, kissing, staring, singing, dancing, joking, story telling with theo! Have fun!

  27. Hi Ms. Patty! I admire your strength and courage for sharing your story. It feels nostalgic actually, reading this post. I’ve been wanting to breastfeed my son ever since I learned im pregnant. Everything was ready – bfeed training, from the breast pumps, milk containers, until I gave birth to a 29-30 weeker preemie last year. I wasn’t able to bfeed my son because of his “very young” condition. Doctors said he may not be able to bfeed exclusively since he needs to drink formula to easily gain weight and all. I tried my best too to still supply him with my milk, so even though he was left in the NICU for 38days, I would still spend sleepless nights at home trying to breast pump every 2-3hrs to produce milk so I can bring it to him during my day hospital visits. I mixed fed him until 4months, but I just have to give up breastmilk. From day1, i wasn’t producing enough. I would always end up asking breastmilk from friends because there were no enough milk from me. Took malunggay juice, capsules, soups and lots of water everyday, but they did not work! It was my son’s 4th month when I decided to give up. Why? My son would kick me and my breasts because he was not getting anything from me. He was always hungry, so there came a time he got tired and suddenly stopped feeding and then he lost weight again. I was so heartbroken for the 2nd time around (1st was of course he’s a preemie) to not bfeed him but tama ka, God has other plans for us to nurture our child in a different way. I still envy moms out there who bfeed their children. Honestly. But we have to see the brighther side of everything. We are still our sons mothers, right? And that is one great thing we should be proud of! God bless you and your family, Ms. Patty! You are loved. And that Theo must be very lucky to have you as his mom. Cheers! ❤️😊

  28. Thank you for sharing this. The way you rise up from all these challenges is really admirable and it gives me strength and positivity too. You really are a warrior.

  29. Actually, you don’t have to explain your brand of motherhood to anybody. And the path you would take in this journey called motherhood should be a path you lovingly choose. As long as you’ve made an informed choice, you shouldn’t feel guilty. And tama ka. Kung nakakaapekto sa ibang aspeto ng pagiging ina mo, then stop. Choose a path where you could be a happy mum again.

    But because I know you really want this, I want you to know that there’s a blogger who went through surgery also and all the pain of breastfeeding and has won the fight. They are still breastfeeding. http://whatiwore.tumblr.com/post/101842683018/the-angry-boob http://whatiwore.tumblr.com/post/109878886748/angry-boob-an-update

    I am not sharing this to push you to breastfeed again or para sabihin na “sya nga oh, kinaya.”. Promise hindi. I am sharing this coz reading your post made me feel na gusto mo talaga to breastfeed and maybe you could find something from her posts? I don’t know. But whatever you decide on eventually, its okay. It should be okay. You are a great mum. You waited so long for this. Enjoy this moment. Cherish it. God bless you fellow mum.

    • I would also like to add that the kind of milk you give to your child won’t define you as a mother. All the little stuff about motherhood won’t define you. Take the path where you feel you could be more loving and happy. A happy mum = a happy baby. All the best.

  30. Hi Patty!

    Nakaka inspire ka, you’re brave and you have family and friends praying for you. Tama sila, sometimes kahit ipilit at gustuhin ng isang ina ibigay ang lahat ng alam natin makakabuti sa bata, kpg hnd talaga kaya, hindi pwede ipilit. Meron si God plans for you, atleast you inspired us mothers who have been in that situation before, and judged because we didn’t breasfed our child not by choice but of circumstances. Thanks for inspiring us! Anyway, madame ka pa panahon para sa baby mo, mararamdaman nya ung pagmamahal mo saknya sa madaming paraan.

  31. Praying for your fast recovery!!! Just continue believing that God has a better plan for you, Patrick and cute little Theo.

    And I would also like to say that there are thousands of babies that’s into formula. So don’t worry about it.

    We love you Patty!

  32. Hi Patty, I gave birth a few weeks before you and am fortunate enough to be able to breastfeed. Do I feel I’m a better mom because of that? No! People forget that breastfeeding is not the goal. Having a thriving, healthy baby is. So please don’t feel any guilt in stopping. No one has ever said, my mom rocks because she breastfed me. Please just keep loving your baby. That’s all he needs. 🙂

  33. You fight so hard to give your son what you know best but God has something greater for him. Will be praying for you and your family. Hang in there Patty. 🙂

  34. Hi Patty, crying while reading this I know how hard it is to leave our babies even for a while. I had laparoscopic sugery a month after I gave birth to my youngest it was the most painful and saddest time of my life and I had to stop breastfeeding because of physical and medical reasons as well, but I know not been able to do that will not make less of a mother you did everything and that’s what is important. God has purpose for all these and everything will be alright😊

  35. Thank you to each and every person who left a comment here. Thanks for encouraging and lifting me up in prayer. I feel so much love and it’s amazing!!! thanks for blessing me!

  36. One thing I’ve learned from motherhood is paraparaan lang yan to survive. So do what you need to do without minding what others have to say. You’re doing your best, momma! You’re doing a good job.

  37. Hi patty, when i found out you were going to have a surgery, it got me really worried (wow parang close friends talaga tayo hehehehe) and thank God you got thru it.

    I think you are apologetic of not being able to use breastmilk, you shouldnt be. Hindi naman yon batayan sa pagiging mabuti, mabait, o mapagmahal na ina.

    Your sister in law is right – don’t be so hard on yourself. You have so many followers and I am one of them, because I think you are fun, spontaneous, Godly, adorable and so on. So please wag kang pa pressure. I hope you get me.

    In the real world of working moms, the word formula is not taboo at all :). There is no judgment in this side of the world. Just moms working hard, earnin a living for the little ones :). Cheer up 🙂 you are fine.

    I am Glo 32 years old with a 4 yr old son (never tried breastmilk) and a two year old daughter (mixed fed for 6 months)

  38. One thing I’ve learned from motherhood is paraparaan lang yan to survive. So do what you need to do without minding what others have to say. They don’t matter, and you should just surround yourself with good energy that will help you do the things you want to do. You’re doing your best, momma! You’re doing a good job.

  39. hi patty for whatever reasons we have, giving formula doesn’t make us less of a mother. keep the faith and continue to enjoy motherhood 😊

  40. Virtual hug from me. So touching journey if yours. Praying for your immediate recovery. God bless your family. Cutie lil’ Theo.

  41. Dear Patty,

    I’m nowhere near being a mom but I felt your pain and frustration here. But more importantly, it was a mother’s love (the purest kind) and faith that definitely shone through this honest post. Thank you that even if you’re hurting, you are still inspiring your readers. Hang in there! God bless you and your family. =)

  42. Thank you for sharing your story. As a mom, I can truly sense your disappointment that you were not able to continue to breastfeed Theo. I am a mom of two and neither of my kids were breastfed. Not that I don’t want to, I just could not. I’ve tried every thing. I even went down on all fours na parang cow just to stimulate and encourage the flow. For a time, I felt bad. Parang lahat ng babies I know were breastfed and mine lang yung hindi. We are not bad mothers and our kids are not less than the other kids because they were formula-fed. A mother’s love is immeasurable regardless of the milk she fed her children. I admire your bravery for coming out with this. I understand mahirap, but you did. You articulated my thoughts. Kudos to you are you are the best mother Theo could ever have.

  43. Theo has such a beautiful, selfless and brave mommy! I’m sure one day he will understand and fully appreciate everything you’ve done and sacrificed for him since day one. Praying and cheering for you guys ate!

  44. Ms patty, you’re being too hard on yourself. You are and will be the best mom to your Theo in the same way we are also struggling to be the best moms to our own children. You have all the right to choose your path in your motherhood since you among all others have the best intentions for your son. I feel sad that you are going through a lot of trials and that you have to explain yourself in your difficulty, but I am humbled at the same time. I don’t believe anybody is judging you and if there are judgments, don’t mind them. You are the most beautiful mother to Theo and your family is lucky to have you. You are an inspiration and a light and i feel lucky to have crossed your path even only through your blog as your radiance shines through your words. I prayed for you and will continue to do so. God bless your beautiful family 😊

  45. Hi Patty! Hoping for your fast recovery so you can share your little boys journey and the new phase of your life. I know its not easy to say to just forget about bfeeding but I hope you can move on fast so you will not miss the excitement on witnessing your son’s milestone. There are so many things you can be proud of now that your a mother and the first thing on that list is risking your life giving birth. Yes, risking! Every child birth put our lives on the hands of the Lord, for another life is to be shared. Get well soon and God bless always.

  46. For health reasons, my mom never breastfed any of us six children but nobody can say our bond is any less than what breastfed kids have with their moms. Don’t be too hard on yourself. God bless you, Patty.

  47. Hi Ms. Patty!

    You are such a brave warrior and I thank God for the grace he keeps on pouring to you and your family. I’ve heard that the harder life can get, the more grace God will give us. You’ve been through hard times lately but God’s grace, provision and comfort obviously abounds through the loving people/community surrounding you. Please know that you are an inspiration and a blessing even to your readers whom you may not know personally. Through your heartfelt post, this reminds me of how good it is to cling unto God and to praise Him whatever the circumstance one gets. I love reading your posts because it is so genuine and it inspires me really to always look at the positive light despite the difficulties in life. I pray for your fast recovery and I look forward for another happy posts coming from you. Lots of love from your reader here in Davao Ms Patty. God bless you!

  48. dearest patty – praying with you and your family always. breastfeeding is one of the many many many other forms of love we can give to our babies. there are superlative more 🙂 theo is very very lucky to have you as his mom. take care always always and praying with you in this journey…

  49. I’ve been on that rough road and after much reflection, I realized that a mother’s love can never be measured just because how we fed them. If a happy wife, makes a happy life then a happy mommy also makes a happy baby.

    You are brave. And God will always guide you to become the Mom that Theo needs 🙂

  50. I am so sorry you went through this. I, myself, had a difficult breastfeeding journey. Cracked and bleeding nipples! My son took formula at 2 days old because I couldn’t get him to latch on properly, my hospital gown even had blood stains. For several weeks I supplemented with formula until I got to breastfeed him exclusively (coached by 2 nurses and my midwife!). I also had an emergency c-section following an induction and recovery took so long. I’m a single mom so during the day it was only me and my son, it was so hard to recover physically. You’re right, sometimes, we push ourselves TOOOOOOOOO hard.

    And no, don’t feel guilty. My mom only got to breastfeed my sister and I for two months because she couldn’t pump at work.

    Get well soon. And if you worry about formula ingredients (like I did), I’ve read that goat milk resembles breast milk more so maybe look into goat formula as alternative to more popular brands of cow’s milk based formula. Some people even make their own goat formula. But if Theo is thriving in whatever formula you give him plus your tlc, then all’s good Mama.

    Thanks for sharing. And I think you’re doing a great job 🙂

  51. So inspiring. Mababaw lang luha ko kaya after reading the first paragraph it made me sob so hard. I had my little one mix fed in 2 weeks. I gave up quickly kasi I cant stand the pain. Grabe ang lakas ng loob at tapang mo to go through all the breastfeeding ordeals. Don’t get affected too much sa mga nagsasabi na moms who mix feed makes you less of a woman or mother. They dont know our journey and they dont know what it really feels like to be in our situation. Theo is soooo lucky to have you as his mother. Im hoping and praying you get to recover the soonest, coz I miss all your crazy,quirky and mababaw na posts and ramblings. God bless you!!! Take care

  52. It’s so sick that we (because my baby also was a formula baby) even have to explain and seek validation about shifting to formula like, “I’m now going to give formula. Moms of the world, is it ok? I have to do this because of …” I mean, why do we have to explain? To who? For what?Sadly, our personal ways of mothering has become something for others to judge. It is for this reason that women like Patty become too hard on themselves. Because we fear that somebody is going to say something about it. And what’s with the sense of pride about being able to breastfeed, breastfeeding pinays? I think it is more divisive and shaming than unifying? How about let’s make “formula milk pinays?” Isn’t is ridiculous because we put more prime on breastfeeding? Oh world, let’s stop being so judgmental.

    • Amen! Yes, breast is best but the push to breastfeed is primarily to address the high rate of infant mortality since we are a very poor country. People are miseducated that if they can’t afford formula, their babies have no choice and will die. The point is healthy children who survive infancy, whether breast or formula. 🙂

      • Very divisive indeed. Some members can be too shaming as well, makes other moms feel bullied. They also say this nasty comment about your child not being a cow so breastmilk is the only acceptable choice. Instead of inspiring other moms, they make them feel bad about themselves.

  53. *hugs* Patty! I’m gonna be a first time mom too in a few months and I totally understand how much you wanted to make breastfeeding work for you. Lahat naman tayong first time moms siguro isa yun sa mga goals natin. but I also think moms will do what they have to do given the situation. I admire you for sharing your journey, knowing that others might judge you. Dedma na lang sa iba 😛 I’ll pray for your fast recovery. And with God’s grace, I’m sure you’ll be the best mom for Theo and he’ll grow up just fine 🙂

  54. Hi Patty! I am not a mom yet but somehow I can feel your pain. As your fan, I just would like to let you know that you are amazing just as you are. You are loved and favored so very dearly by the Lord whether you breastfeed or not. What matters at the end of the day is that you did the best you could for Theo. Feel better soon.

  55. Praying for your fast recovery Ms. Patty, and don’t feel guilty at all for not breast feeding Theo, it doesn’t make you less of a mother. God loves you and your family. 🙂

  56. Hi Patty. It’s a first for me to comment to any blogs but I can’t help to admire you for your courage. I am a breastfeeding mom but I’d like to thank you for being the voice of so many moms who chose the other way. It is just sad that some advocates are just to harsh. I have been exclusively breastfeeding my son for 7 months when I decided I had to choose to mix feed because it has been constantly causing me frustration and stress every time I would see my stash low and missed my pumping schedule. I would regularly have mood swings that it affects my whole motherhood. I would still have to breastfeed even if I’m on my angry and frustrated self. Now I still breastfeed, but only at night and only when I can. Now I am breastfeeding with pure joy and love. I also think breastmilk is the best for babies. But a happy and calm momma will still and always be the best for our babies and home. And they deserve the best of us more than anything else.

    Looking forward to more happy posts. Probably Theo’s ootd and where to get them 🙂

  57. Hi Patty! I have been in your shoes and I totally understand your situation. My baby was only 1 month old when I got admitted for incision and drainage due to mastitis on my right breast. My husband also helped me most of time in cleaning and dressing up the wounds coz I couldn’t do it by myself. I cringe at the sight of blood! It was also difficult for me back then to accept that I will not be able to breastfeed my child successfully unlike my friends who happily post photos of them breastfeeding their kids with so much ease. I support your decision but yes it doesnt mean that we’re against breastfeeding due to our personal circumstances. Dont worry Patty in no time everything will be better and you can go out malling with your baby soon! All the best! 🙂

  58. Hugs and prayers for you Patty. You are not alone with all the breastfeeding struggle and don’t feel too bad. Motherhood is not all about breastfeeding.

  59. Crying as I read this. You’re one tough momma! Take comfort in the truth that God already knew beforehand that you will undergo this kind of testing, and He has equipped you with everything you need to get through this. So don’t worry, you’ll get through this, by God’s grace. Even right now, your testimony has already inspired a lot of people. I’m praying for you Ms. Patty! 🙂 God bless you and your family. *hugs and kisses*


    God said, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor.12:9

    “But we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:3-5

  60. Hi Patty.I am an avid follower of your IG and blog. I am praying for your speedy recovery. I just gave birth 6mos ago and been in your shoes. Regardless of your choice, I know you will be a wonderful mom to Theo because you are a genuinely good person (even if I dont know you personally). Hugs and kisses to your bubba.;)

  61. Hi Patty
    I know you’re a celebrity but I don’t really follow you so I hardly know anything about you. This blog came into my feed as someone posted the link in one of the breastfeeding groups. We are total strangers but as I read through your post, I feel it, every bit of it. We have the same fate with our BF journey.
    For mine it ended when I brought my son to the pedia because I dont think he is gaining weight. He was 1 month old. I am already having problems with bf, I know he is not getting enough yet I persevered. People said try harder. consult. Just offer you breasts. It will get easy. But it never did.
    And on that pedia visit, the pedia said, had you come in days later, your son would have died. Your baby is dehydrated. he is not getting enough nourishment. My heart collapsed. how could it be? Me who have given birth and life to this beautiful baby, how could it be me who has caused this? And almost bring an end to a life that has just begun! I only wanted to give him the best, I just wanted to breastfeed. Why does it have to be this tough?! If breastfeeding is natural and God-intended then why does it not come naturally? Why does it have to be so painful? I was asking God and Mama Mary, why why.
    I was looking at my son drinking formula, the answer came to me. He needs a mother. He needs love and care. Nourishment can come in many forms. But his mother has just 1 version- me. So i thanked God and asked forgiveness for cursing and blaming. And from then on I begin to see, blessings come in many forms. some moms and babies get to ebf, some don’t. I have to see my blessings, past through all these challenges. Ultimately, I am blessed with a son. We are blessed to become parents. What a wonderful blessing!
    I have never talked about this to anybody. But your post has given me courage. And yes, when we put it out in the open, it is very liberating. I am a mother to my son. Whether i can breastfeed or not does not change that. There is no way breastfeeding can define what kind of a mother I will be.


  62. Hi Patty, I’ve read your Blog and i cried.. God is Good all the time, we are still blessed. I am praying for your speedy recovery God bless

  63. I feel you Ms.Patty 🙂 I too was in the same situation last June..I had my son march 30 then after 2 mos. I had a major operation last June 12. Then had this tube on my tummy for a month. Then I needed another procedure, almost the same with endoscopy, after a month. I had no choice but to stop breastfeeding my baby because I needed to recover and I was taking antibiotics then.
    It was heartbreaking not to ge able to feed your baby and take care of him. The first day I was at home I was really crying almost half of the day because I cannot BF and take care of him. He sleeps with his grandmom.
    But now, I am well and I am already continuing breastfeeding my baby.
    Ms. Patty I pray for your fast recovery 🙂

  64. Thank you for sharing your journey. I am in tears as I was reading your story because i saw myself in you when i was also trying to breastfeed my twins exclusively. For a time i was consumed with trying to breastfeed my twins even at the midst of my post-pregnancy complications that in the process I was losing myself and losing sight of what motherhood was all about. But it was only at that time when i accepted my limitations that I was able to wholly embrace my being a mother to my two sons. We are not less of a mother just because we were not able to breastfeed them exclusively or longer than we wanted to. God bless you and your family.

  65. I just want to share my own disappointment when I can’t breastfeed my newborn daughter. I had milk on my breasts, but I had Bell’s palsy (paralyzed half side of the face) a day after my delivery. So I had to take steroids (which goes into the breastmilk) and that is not good for my baby so the doctor said i had to give her Formula.
    It was hard at first. But hey, I realized my baby is a gift from God already, (after PCOS) and Bell’s palsy which at that time I felt ugly and all (but no depression at all)
    So dont be hard on yourself Patty. You are a beautiful new mom. And Theo will always love you even when he is on a formula😍😍😍

  66. Hi Patty, this post brings healing, hope and a lot of inspiration to both breast feeding and non-breast feeding moms. You write with all sincerity and every line points us back to Christ. Praying for you right now. God will shine in all these. Hugs from a Mommy stranger who loves your writing.

  67. Oh Patty! You don’t need to explain yourself even though I know why you feel defensive. It is SO HARD to be a mom when everyone seems to know better than you. Ako nga na nag-breastfeed exclusively ng two kids and mix-fed my eldest, I STILL GOT BULLIED by breastfeeding advocates!!! I’m like, why why why don’t you just let me love my kids the way I can?!?

    So even if you do hear anything negative (and sana wala naman!), DON’T MIND THEM! Easier said than done but pray na lang for protection. Just focus on your Theo and don’t forget to love Pat, too! New daddies sometimes feel neglected haha

    This is a happy time. Do not let anyone steal your joy. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

    • thanks frances! luckily, i’ve been receiving nothing but love and support from all the mommies! Thank God!!! 🙂 🙂 And thanks for the encouragement!

  68. I truly understand ur plight Patty. Just like you, I’m a first-time mom as well and God knows how much I wanted to breastfeed my son even before he was born. However, due to some unexpected difficulty, I really couldn’t do so. It broke my heart but what consoled me was the fact that no matter what my situation is, my love for my son is pure and true. Despite of my ‘”disability”, I know that I will give my son the best life that he deserves and I will love him unconditionally, by the grace of God. I will not linger into the negative but rather stay positive and hopeful to God’s plans for my life & for my family. May God bless you always Patty. I believe Theo loves you so much..

  69. Hi Patty!

    This is one of the most heartfelt entries I read. Pain and love flowing at the same time. I pray that you continue to love and honor God in any way you can.

    Had to give up bfeeding at 5months and cried cause I thought di na ko kailangan ng baby ko.. but, she’s now a healthy 3 yo toddler and still needs me like she did the moment she was in my tummy! I pray that Theo feels the love you and Patrick have for him. I’m sure he does and he’ll grow up a loving son! I pray for you and Patrick, may you be the best parents Theo needs! 🙂

    God bless you more! Enjoy every minute of motherhood and sharing parenthood with your husband. It’s the best ever moment. 🙂

  70. Such a brave woman and mother! God bless you Patty! This is the first time I am writing a comment, I have been a silent fan. Your honesty and humility is very admirable! God will for sure sustain you and get you through this! 🙂

  71. Hi Miss Patty, even without the breastfeeding it doesn’t make you a lesser Mom to Theo. It’s all about the good values that you have which you will be imparting with Him in this journey. You are still my forever peg as a woman and as a mother! 🙂

    Healing is on your way, I declare in Jesus’ name! Amen.

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