If there’s one way to sum up the year that has passed, I could boldly proclaim that 2015 was the year that aged me by decades—in spirit, will and might. (Well, hopefully not in flesh too—because that would suck! I would like to remain babyfaced til I’m 70, please. Libre lang mangarap, hindi ba?? Hahaha!) It was the year that the Lord taught me a great deal about pain, fatigue and exhaustion, grief and depression, anxiety and insecurity and yet surprisingly so, it was also the year that I understood the real meaning of immense Joy, Love, Faith, Trust, Purpose and POOP! Lots and lots of POOP!!!! Mountains and mountains of POOP!
2015 for me was the ultimate year of THE FEELS (as the kids these days call it). 2015 gave me a slew of oxymorons– sobrang hirap, sobrang sakit, sobrang pagod ngunit sobrang saya, sobrang sarap din! I think I’ve never ever cried as much as I have this year—but also, I’ve never laughed so hard in my whole 32 years! This year was all about excess—excess pain that I felt my body could no longer accept and also an excess in love and an abundance of happiness…tipong sasabog na yung puso ko!!!! With my multiple trips to the hospital and all the emotional trauma+ physical pain I’ve had to endure postpartum, I think this year’s learnings aged me by eons! I remember hugging my husband tight and just PRAYING-BARGAINING- BEGGING desperately for a breakthrough—with what we’ve been through this year alone, I feel we could already fast forward and rightfully celebrate our silver wedding anniversary. I think I renewed my vows at least 60,000 times in my head and heart from July-August alone! Hahaha! But through all the hardships, this year felt like the year WE WON because the dream we’ve been dreaming together for so long, the prayer that we’ve been praying for many nights and many days, THE CHILD whose name was written in the stars long before we even knew him—was finally OURS!!!!!
When my son gives me his secret smile, that one special and carefully manufactured smile that’s just for his mama—my past pains and hurts just fade away. They become a distant memory, like a book you once read or a movie you once watched, just giving you enough to remind you how you were a recipient of GOD’S GRACE. It no longer stings because Theo’s secret smile numbs all the pain, that secret smile is evidence that God loves me. 🙂 🙂 His cuteness, his bochogness, his kiti-kiti-ness—-everything about my son makes me believe in God’s goodness to me and Patrick!
I’ve only had two dreams in my life: TO BECOME A WIFE AND A MOTHER. People wait all their lives for their dreams to come true, some even perish before their dreams are realized and yet here I am, at just 32, and I AM ALREADY LIVING THE DREAM. So thank you Jesus for giving me 2015 and thank you for the many more years to come 🙂